Day 25

5.04: Londoners: don’t read today’s Metro; it’s on drugs. Here are a few of its actual headlines: “Ninja squirrel supermum defeats dog.” “Bulgaria in contact with aliens.” “Dog thinks he’s a shop assistant.”

And in the weekend edition presumably, “‘Ne’er the twain shall meet’ says Scissorhands fetishist masseuse.” “Thinking you’re a shop assistant gives you cancer, dog trials find.”

All of which reminds me of my all-time favourite tabloid headline. I read this during the 2006 World Cup, a triumph for the power and possibilities of English grammar: “Crouch WAG on Crack.”

An example to us all in saving breath.

6.26: Michael Wolff, who wrote a biography of Rupert Murdoch, is calling on readers to boycott books until publishers stop putting out ghostwritten memoirs by brick-jawed politico-Mommy Sarah Palin and her like. Slate magazine has launched a Write-Like-Palin competition, challenging its readers to match the glory of this sentence from her latest opus, Going Rogue: “As the soles of my shoes hit the soft ground, I pushed past the tall cottonwood trees in a euphoric cadence, and meandered through willow branches that the moose munched on.”

Slate has also helpfully compiled an index for the improperly-referenced work.

6.50: Ducks back in a shonky sort of row this  morning, after the skein was devastated by bird strike yesterday. Sometimes, getting somewhere before light turns out to be such a pyrrhic victory you feel like the Grinch that stole Christmas from a Jehovah’s Witness.

~ by David Thorley on November 27, 2009.

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