Day 44

5.05: “Fish don’t get much sympathy,” says Antoine Goetschel, Europe’s only “animal lawyer.”

Indeed they don’t. And frogs never see rainbows. Horses wear very little Spandex.

Goetschel has just lost a case on behalf of a pike he was representing in a (posthumous) claim against the Swiss anglers that caught it. This excellently detailed report explains that his appearance on behalf of the fish was funded by the state of Zurich from which he commands a fee of 200 Swiss francs-an-hour.

Apparently the ten-minute battle between man and beast constituted a violation of its animal rights, amounting to torture, because it lasted for over ten minutes. Angling: its the Abu Ghraib of outdoor pastimes. Don’t do it kids.

Now this I find a bit hard to believe, but apparently:

Voters will decide in a March 7 poll whether every canton (state) should be required to appoint an animal lawyer to represent the interests of pets and farm animals in court – in effect a dedicated public prosecutor for dogs, cats and other vertebrates that have been abused by humans.

All of which reminds me of this, which is the only logical conclusion of free market capitalism. Basically, it’s a bunch of atheists offering to look after the pets of Christians in the event of their furry friend being left behind come the ‘Rapture’ or Second Coming.

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?

Good question. But thank God for atheists.

Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

And could you pop round and hoover up in case any infidels stop by unexpectedly? You know, take the laundry off the radiators, peel the mould from the windows. Better turn the water off at the stopcock when you go though – this could take a while. And turn the all lights off, but leave one on in the hall.

A US$110 flat fee buys you ten-year’s cover in the event of the Rapture, with extra pets thrown in for US$15 each. If there’s been no Rapture at the end of the decade, you have to renew. Cats, dogs rabbits, birds and small caged mammals only (though some states offer services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys).

Well we all know it was Satan in the body of a serpent that brought about the fall of man anyway. Antoine Goetschel should prosecute the snake for harbouring a known criminal.

6.45: Another zero word-count day, but good work has – rest assured – been done. Hubristically, I’d not bothered planning the next chapter, which seemed so exciting and straightforward I guessed it’d write itself. Not so, smarty pants: hasty sketching required.

~ by David Thorley on February 19, 2010.