Day 55

5.03: Never let it be said that the Daily Telegraph – although best known as a olde world cattle-prod of a newspaper for spluttering Colonels – isn’t a positive oil-derrick of news drilling.

This weekend, it brought us the story of the Mexican judge who was sacked for attempting to spray-paint a graffiti artist’s buttocks in punishment for tagging public buildings.

Sadly, Mr Perez ‘punishment-fits-the-crime’ Hurtado was unavailable for comment, because there’s a fairly obvious question still unanswered.

Why the buttocks?

I think everyone can see that his logic’s sound up to a point. You paint buildings, I paint you. He’s also been known to order cattle rustlers bundled into veal trucks and shot with bolt guns, and in his spare time sneaks into the bedrooms of cow-tippers and stands them on their heads.

But why the buttocks?

Perhaps this isn’t the appropriate forum. Let’s all look out in the Telegraph’s letters page this week for correspondence from the home counties. It’s surely coming up:


I note that Mexico’s otherwise stirling approach to the modern menace of graffito tagging has been marred by the depraved actions of a pervert. Mr Perez Hurtado, would be well advised to scrutinize his motivations carefully, and address himself to the question: “why the buttocks?”


Colonel Sir Watford Strangely,

The Fetlocks,
Buttockton Bum,

6.56: It comes to my attention that in those short ramblings I managed to cram in three references to cattle – their prodding, rustling and tipping. Quite possibly, I’m a pervert too, and cows to me are as the buttocks of vandals are to Mr Perez Hurtado.

In any case another chapter has been successfully birthed, reared, slaughtered, jigsawed into steaks, and hauled off to the farm shop. But it took a long time. A step up to the practices of intensive farming may be called for. Great warehouses full of conveyor-belts which bear the cows, with a song in their heart and a poem in their teeth, through the sheds of  invention to the abattoir of publication.

~ by David Thorley on March 8, 2010.

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