Day 99

5.02: Christ alive, hand me a crucifix. Call the Pope, the Ghostbusters and a whole coach party of exorcists. Brian May’s a dangerous Satanist.

Or so says this blog by a clearly fulfilled, well-adjusted and rational author.

You want to know what the galaxy’s hairiest astrophysicist really gets up to when the lights go out? Over to you Captain Capitals:

WE THINK YOU SHOULD HAS ALREADY EXPOSED BRIAN MAY AS AN ANCIENT DEMON SHAPESHIFTER, MIDGET-CAPTURER, AND DODO DESTROYER”

That’s right everyone, he said “MIDGET-CAPTURER”.

And that’s not all. Here we go with some more vigorously capitalised and spittle-flecked raillery.

“THIS DOSSIER SHALL PROVE THAT BRIAN MAY:

-IS a known Freemason
-BRAINWASHED Freddie Mercury into participating in his music group
-LIED to the public for years
-TRANSFORMED drummer Roger Taylor into a monarch slave to do his bidding
-ACQUIRED the HIV virus from his Illuminati ties.
-INFECTED Freddie Mercury with the super-strain
-PROFITED from his death
-REPLACED the man who brought him fame and fortune
-THREATENED to kill John Deacon – and his whole family – if he ever revealed the truth.”

Brian May what? I think we should probably pass over that without pausing too long to remark on its being so totally fucking deranged it lives in an orbiting tumble drier flying around some inside-out planet in the mustiest most fudged-up corner of the observable cosmos.

My favourite bit of the whole site is the photograph of Ben Elton making the devil horns sign with his index and little fingers, captioned “Ben Elton, a collaborator on “Toshiba Presents: We Will Rock You the Musical”, shows that he’s down with Satan.”

Frankly if Ben Elton’s a Masonic Satanist genius, the forces of evil can have the world. It’s hardly worth playing if that’s the league we’re batting in.

6.53: Shall I tell you what else is an unholy alliance? The marriage between Stuart and that half-witted little paperclip that Microsoft Word sometimes lets out of its digital hutch to scamper around your work for no other reason than to test your patience. Their relationship is roughly analogous to the one between Jabba the Hutt and Salacious Crumb. The cackling little critter dances around trying to do Stuart’s ponderous, geriatric bidding sticking spanners into all  sorts of works he can’t hope to understand as he goes. Apart from that, it’s been quite a good morning. But beware guitarists bearing pentangles.

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~ by David Thorley on August 5, 2010.

One Response to “Day 99”

  1. you’re not funny, the guy who wrote the brian may blog. that’s funny

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