Heaven, I’m in Heaven

Heaven exists: a toddler went there.

Or as Gretchen Carlson of Fox news puts it, “He entered into heaven.” Biblical turn of phrase you have there, Gretchen.

Colton Burpo (apparently named after an indigestion tonic from the jazz age) went to heaven and met John the Baptist and a guy that’d been dead for three decades.

Carlson (apparently named after a… no, apparently just named by a fuckwit) is in her element here. So much so that I want to reproduce a little sliver of the interview.

Gretch: “You also Colton say that ‘God is a very very big person, right?”

Coleton: “Yeah, he can actually fit the entire world into his hands.”

Gretch: “Wow. So many people want to know what you now know. What about Jesus?”

Colton: “Well Jesus. He had a rough but kind face. Sea blue eyes, and a smile that lit up the heavens.”

Gretch: “And what about old people: they are not up in Heaven right?”

Colton: “No: just young adults…”

So there we have it. No Buddha. No Mohammed. No Shiva. No David Ike. No Ron L Hubbard. None of your non-standard un-American, cultish foreign religions. Not even Bono. And in a little twist God was saving for when we get there: the old ain’t coming in either. Only some dwarfish teenage version of you.

Which is bad news for some people. I was a jackass before I was 30. Young me’s going to rub some god-fearing, do gooders up the wrong way if we’re stuck in an ethereal lift together for all eternity, listening to lute music for the chilled-out and righteous. It’ll just be nob gag after nob gag after nob gag. And I smelled too.

Pity Colton also didn’t have time to stick around and chit chat with the creator of heaven and earth. He had to get back to his suitcase, soap-box, striped trousers, and alliterative sales patter. It’s not all pina coladas by the kidney-shaped infinity pool, when you’ve got elixir to flog.

He did get God to record a jingle for him though: “And behold there came a great wind. These call outs used to keep me busy morning, noon and night, but now you can buy Colton Burpo. The indigestion relief that I would use.”

Fade out. FX: Jon Travolta and Olivia Newton John singing “You’re the one that I want.”

Zap, smash, kerpow. Infidel Travolta lightning bolted for being a credulous pillock.

Booming echoey voice of The Lord. “Pity rather a catchy tune…”

~ by David Thorley on November 21, 2010.

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