Bachelor Boy

Mariella Frostrup does loads of voiceovers but nothing much else yet she seems to get by.

And now she’s suing the Sunday Times for saying she snogged Salman Rushdie at his bachelor party.

If ever you wanted proof that truth’s stranger than fiction, reflect that the first sentence is a lyric from a Half Man Half Biscuit song, while the second’s the honest to Elvis and Leslie Nielson truth.

Not taking the suggestion that she could have tongue snaggled Salman as a compliment, Mariella says she didn’t even go to the party, and feels her reputation as a presenter of serious book programmes might be tarnished if she left it hanging over her.

Suing seems a bit of an over-reaction to me, but perhaps it’s fair enough.

For the purposes of this blog, let’s accept that everything about the Sunday Times’ version of events is exactly true, except for the bits which Mariella has corrected.

Salman Rushdie still “finished the evening by snogging fellow guests Nigella [Lawson], and Dannii Minogue in a game of spin the bottle.”

Neither Minogue nor Lawson has yet felt the need to turn to the courts to correct this account of the night: too busy unknotting their tongues.

What a hell of a party Salman must have thrown. In my mind the guest list comprised entirely female celebrities aged between 35 and 50.

Carol Vordeman drank tequila from Lorraine Kelly’s belly button, and Tara Palmer Tomkinson put  her tongue in Natasha Kaplinsky’s ear.

Yvette Fielding brought a flan but Kim Wilde trod in it during a game of Blind Man’s Buff. Then Anthea Turner was sick on the cat, and everyone had to go home when Terri Dwyer called the RSPCA.

Anthea hit her with a hot cheese fondu stick, and called her a “fucking stool pigeon;” they haven’t spoken since.

“Distance yourself Mariella,” is all I can say.

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~ by David Thorley on November 29, 2010.

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