Six million dollar man

If you made a celebrity out of all the bits of celebrities that are already insured for mental-ass sums of money, it would be insurable for $1.0349 billion dollars.

At a cool billion, the legs of Maria Carey really bump up the cost. Added to those, we’ve got the hair of Troy Polamalu ($1 million), the eyes of Ben Turpin ($20,000), the smile of America Ferrara ($10 million), Jimmy Durante’s nose ($50,000) and Merv Hughes’ moustache ($670,000). Plus, there’s the voice of Rod Stewart ($6.5 million), the chest hair of Tom Jones ($7 million), Dolly Parton’s breasts ($600,000), and Jeff Beck’s fingers ($1 million per finger).

If we subbed in some cheaper legs – those of Michael Flately ($40 million), we could bring the price down to  ($74.9 million). But this horrible chimeric she-goat with breasts, chest-hair and  walrus moustache would also dance about as if it has left the coat-hanger in its shirt, and was trying to kick off its left knee cap with its right heel.

There are a few other savings we could make along the way too, but let’s not get too bargain basement about this.

Also the finished product would look nothing like the androgynous chocolate orange of a crash dummy over there → . It would rather more closely resemble a breasted leprechaun mobster working in a kitchen in the 1970s.

Which would have been an altogether better model for an award statue to boot.

Or given the pace that gene technology is gathering, the American Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences could just clone a fleet of them, and donate one to each worthy celebrity who makes a film with enough marketing clout to attract their attention. Like in Harry Potter. I think. But better insured against injury in the work place.

~ by David Thorley on February 17, 2011.

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