Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone

“Good morning, is that The Homeowner?”
“Well yes. But by and large people don’t use the title. They think it’s a bit Coppola for a chat on the phone.”
“So I am speaking to The Homeowner?”
“Yes. Sort of. In as much as anyone’s The Homeowner, it’s probably me.”
“Could I please speak with The Homeowner?”
“Can I ask who’s calling?”
“Are you The Homeowner?”
“Are you James Randi?”
“I’m calling to speak with The Homeowner.”

Roughly once a week, I receive a phone call along these lines, and have done for a good few months. Yesterday I had four. They’re from Everest Windows, although the people on the other end of the phone seem to have been genetically reprogrammed to make themselves unable to tell you that they’re from Everest Windows, even under torture. You couldn’t waterboard it out of them. I only found out by Googling the number they call on, and turning up chat rooms and message boards positively sweating with similar tales of cryptic harassment. One or two brave souls have stuck at conversations long enough to establish that the cause of the menace is Everest Windows, though those people have probably been shipped gibbering and shaking to a residential retreat in the Cotswolds, where they spend all day in a basket chair being frightened by the noises made by hedge-trimmers.

One time, I said to one of the calling people, “Are you from Everest Window?” And do you know what he said?

He said, “I have a few questions I’d like to ask you.”

I said, “Let’s take it in turns. Are you from Everest Windows?”

And he hung up. Probably rightly.

Apart from the fact that this is all very tedious, time consuming, and generally irritating as a flea dancing in a blood blister, I want to know how in hell anyone can make sense out of these people such that they’re able to buy windows from them even if they want to. I presume their role in life is selling windows to the unsuspecting, but none of them has ever mentioned the idea to me. It’s like joining the masons and going to live in a lodge made of polyvinyl chloride, worshiping a Buddhist glazier and raising a family of  evangelical mountain-dwelling salespeople. Who talk  nothing but clipt, impenetrable flam.

But only to The Homeowner. They’re very clear on that point.

~ by David Thorley on February 22, 2011.

4 Responses to “Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Simon Elliston Ball, David Thorley. David Thorley said: Hey Everest Windows, leave us kids alone. […]

  2. They’ve been calling me for weeks, but Im normally lucky enough to miss it
    Today I answered, sadly

    Hi, we have some great deals on at the moment, are you considering a new kitchen in the near future?
    Because we are offering up to 50% off our range of kitchens and..
    I dont want a new kitchen
    I see you’re at [my address]. When would be the best time for our sales man to call
    *hangs up*

    Nothing annoys me more than a rude cold caller hanging up on ME 😀

  3. I read your post and am sorry to hear that you are getting these calls. Please could you get in touch with me, so that I can get you removed from the database? You can reach me at customer_relations(at)

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