You’ll never get to heaven on an internet board

Yesterday two things happened. First, a group calling itself The Intercessors started following me on Twitter. The Intercessors I gather are a web based Christian prayer forum-cum-messageboard to God. People write up their complaints, ailments, tragedies, anxieties, sorrows and diseases, & either all the other Christians who use the site pray for them, or God reads it, or both. What they might hope to gain in following me I can’t imagine. Possibly they were confused my by unfunny but assonantal claim to be the Bishop of Gloucester in my biography. Though how credulous you have to be to imagine the Bishop Gloucester is also a crepuscular blogger, sometime news-flogger, Milton de-boggler, Stoke City ogler, kidney dislodger and delusional wombler, I shudder to think. They don’t seem to be extorting money from anyone though they don’t sound entirely pleasant either. They’re a touch fundamentalist (can you be a touch fundamentalist? is it like being a teenth genocidal?) and are altogether terrified of sex.

They say, “Prayers are only allowed to be made to the One and Only God, through his One and Only Son Jesus Christ” and “Please do not ask for prayer if you are living in fornication (having any type of sex with someone) outside of marriage unless the prayer is to stop doing that now. In a similar manner, do not post a request for a ‘life partner’ but rather a husband or wife.”

You can’t help feeling they’re trying very hard to tiptoe round gay issue can you? Incidentally, my favourite prayer is this one:

Will be checking my credit score soon…NEED a score above 680 to buy a home…….PLEASE pray my score is above 680……..THANKS and GOD bless you!

Why didn’t he just pray for the house?

Anyway, they may by now have realised their error in following me and excommunicated me: I haven’t checked. I was tempted to draw their attention to the fact that I wrote this a few months ago… All of which brings me to thing number two.

Christopher Hitchens (who prompted that other post by urging religious types not to pray for him) has been joking that the severity of his illness has made him a “member of a cancer elite” who finds himself “looking down on people with lesser cancers.”

Hitchens writes, says the interviewing guy, “through a haze of cigarette smoke and filtered through kettles of Johnny Walker Black.” I’ve heard from elsewhere that ‘he’s a bottle of whisky a day man.’ He even sips at a glass of sticky brownish stuff through the interview. There’s another glass of the same on the table when he’s signing books in some garish hotel conference room.

Anyway, let’s recap. The Intercessors are now apparently interested in the things I say (even if it is in the misguided belief that I’ve been ordained, consecrated and now preside over an old Roman settlement in the Cotswolds),  and Hitchen is still dying but with a tumbler in his hand not a prayer on his lips. And these things both happened yesterday, and reminded me about a blog post I once wrote about Hitchens and prayer.

But that’s all. Watch the Hitchens’ video though. Maybe don’t play any sort of Withnail or Mad Men style drinking game along to it though: that’d be a touch macabre.


~ by David Thorley on March 8, 2011.

2 Responses to “You’ll never get to heaven on an internet board”

  1. I just looked at their twitter feed. My favourite: “You are in a cosmic centrifuge and Jesus is the only object that is maintaining its viscosity”.

    Wait, what?

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