Two fat ladies and a holy roller

So no Rapture. You can take the colander off your head and put down the cricket bat. No stairway; no heavenly aeroplane.

But why the Chariots of Fire did anyone think there would be?

As so often the fault lies with St Paul, always the first port of call for numbskulls, evangelicals, fundamentalists, and nitwits of every stripe.

Paul reckoned: For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Careful Paul, the Calvinists will hear you. You know how one careless remark in a letter to some Thessalonians can lead to millennia of sectarian gibbering.

Anyway, he cooked up the idea and then just turned it loose on the loonies. “Huzzah” they all whooped, during a break in their witch trials. “We’ll leave nothing behind but our THERE IS A DAY T-shirts.”

Why did they think it would happen on Saturday? Because of a bit in the Bible that says “We won’t tell you when it’ll happen, but we’ll give you a clue.” And then an anecdote about a fig:

Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

So some time in Spring then. There were a few other criteria. For perfect Rapture condition there has to be a war, a famine, a plague, and an earthquake all in different places.

Anyway, so that we might be better informed when it’s coming close, I’ve done a picture of a Rapture Bingo Card. Put a cross in the box, and shout “House!” when you’re ready to ascend.

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~ by David Thorley on May 24, 2011.

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